I thought I lost Asher.

So, it has almost been an entire year since I last posted here.

There have been lots of moments, experiences, trials, and opportunities over the last year that I would have loved to share with you but I just really did not have the capacity. There has been a lot of growth this past year, a lot of healing, a lot of laughing, a lot of talking and working through issues, so much learning... Sometimes the idea of writing out all of those things just became a bit too overwhelming and life just got a teeny bit crazy with a new baby and a preschooler and a husband and a church and a business and... you get the idea. So, I made the decision to just enjoy the moments and lock them safely in my heart (and sometimes our family journal) rather than adding one more thing for me to feel guilty about for not doing. :)

However, there are moments that take you completely by surprise and you just have to voice your feelings over those moments. I felt compelled to write today.

I lost Asher at the pool this morning. Only for about 10sec... but I had just taken off his floaties and then when I turned around I realized I did not see him anywhere. I started screaming like a crazy person, completely scaring everyone within a 10 mile radius. I actually scanned the bottom of the pool because in my mind, death is always only a second away.

In that moment, he was gone. Of course he would be taken from me, just like his brother. From the moment Asher was born that is how my mind has worked. There is always an element of fear and anxiety. Most days I do not give in to the temptation to allow the worry and anxiety to rule over my life, but in reality the temptation is always there. It is real. Everything is scary to me.

I realize in these moments of sheer terror that God still has a lot of work to do in me... That when I say I trust Him, I may not in fact truly trust Him.

I feel like the father in Mark 9:24 when he cries out to Jesus saying, "I believe; help my unbelief!" I have just enough faith to know that I need to cry out to God asking for more....

I thank God that Asher did not drown in the pool today. I thank God that instead of me finding him in the pool without his floaties on he was hiding behind a column. I thank God that I was reminded once again that these wonderful children are not my own, that they are gift that God has entrusted to me. I am thankful that God is continually molding me and shaping me into the woman He has called me to be... even through frightening circumstances.

. . .

Three years is a long time... It has almost been 3 years since I last saw my son and I miss him more today than ever. The terrible sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that didn't leave for months after Aaden died, is there again at the mere thought that I could have lost Asher.

For all of those people in your lives that have suffered, pray for them. Though it may have been years since the initial suffering... I promise you that their hearts still ache and that the pain is still very real.

Roles.

I will be answering your questions soon... thank you for taking the time to write them. :)

I was on the search for some answers today about a theological topic and stumbled upon a sermon that, by it's title, I thought would answer my question, but in fact was about something completely different than what I thought... obviously God was desiring to speak directly to me, so I listened... even as painful as it was. The pastor used biblical information, not man's words or wisdom, or what society and culture has to say, to teach me some very important truths about my role as a woman.

I am recommending that you, especially the ladies as it is directed specifically to you, should take an hour and a half and listen to this sermon by Mark Driscoll at Mars Hill Church.

This is a controversial topic to say the least and I am now aware that we have been convinced of truths that are in all actuality lies... In your own life, you can do a little self-examination by asking yourself, 'Do I base my beliefs on what society and culture tell me or what the Bible says to be true? For everything? Even my role as a wife or as a husband?'

Driscoll says it perfectly at the very end of the sermon, "Do you disagree because you have been reading your Bible a lot or do you disagree because you have not been reading your Bible a lot?"

It is worth the time... even to the end when he gives a very practical challenge to the women.

I would love to hear your thoughts.

questions.

Hi friends.

Thanks so much for your prayers and support. I am so grateful that in times when my heart is feeling a little extra broken God sends you my way to give an extra hug or to even shed a tear or two with me.

I often have people contact me when someone they know is hurting deeply or grieving a tragedy in their own lives. They will ask me specific questions about grief and pain and sorrow... So, I was wondering if any of you out there have any questions for me? I would love to answer them the best I know how and give any wisdom to you that may help someone in your life who is in need. I also know that you may have had specific questions that you wanted to ask since Aaden died or since you met me or since you stumbled upon this blog, but out of fear of hurting me or creating awkwardness you refrained from asking... So, I am asking you to ask. :) I would love to hear any questions you might have. They can be anything... really. God has given me much wisdom through this grieving process and every day I am learning something new... I would love to share that wisdom with you as well.

I look forward to hearing from you. (You can leave a comment here or send an email to ashlee.proffitt@gmail.com)

love you.

---

And for your viewing pleasure, some pictures of my quickly growing little ones.

{ 4th of July - We were all matching of course. ;) }

a little weepy.

I am unsure what has happened. The months following Aaden's death and then our move to Florida can only be described as an emotional roller coaster. I thought, wrongly, that I had moved past that and yet, I find myself very broken again... almost revisiting the severe pain from the last year.

I do believe that my faith in God has only grown since Aaden's death. I do still believe that He is in control and that He is good and that His ways are not my ways... and those ways, His will is ultimately perfect.

So, I am just a little confused as to why now my heart is aching so...

My mind keeps taking me back to the days and months immediately following his death. I keep reliving certain memories... I don't have many and feel as though much of that time I was in a fog... everyone moving around me and me sort of watching, but not participating.

Specifically this morning as I was reading my Bible, I found myself crying. Tears softly came as I read this passage. (For the past year or so I have been reading through the Bible... the goal was to start with Genesis and read through in a year, yes it has taken a little longer than that, but I am sticking with it and should be done relatively soon.) So, this morning I am in John, reading about how Jesus' dear friend Lazarus has died... and how Lazarus' sisters are grieving and they question Jesus saying things like “Lord, if You had been here, my brother would not have died.” And you read about how Jesus wept, not because there was a loss of hope... He knew He was going to raise Lazarus from the dead, but because those He loved were hurting and in so much pain.

So, this morning I am reading and weeping. I cannot get out of my head the picture of burying my son... of that cold, windy day... how I wanted to crumble when I saw the tiny little casket but I was in so much pain that I did not even want to come close... how I stood from afar... and how for days and weeks, even now, the mother in me can only think of how his little body would be cold.

Like I said, I am unsure as to why my mind is going to that place again... why that huge knot has welled up in my throat for days now and I am on the verge of tears at any given moment.

I do know, for sure, that God allowed me to read that specific passage this morning, for many reasons... one of them being to remind me that He does care. The Lord sees this hurt and this pain... He identifies with my struggle and He is faithful, as always, to provide healing in unimaginable ways.

The Post Office.

Today, little Aaden would have been 21 months old.

Who even thinks about that kind of milestone?

I do.

The 8th and 15th of every month are still a reminder of my son who is not here with me.

This past week I overheard someone telling another person that we have two boys. And I wanted so badly to scream 'No, actually we have 3 boys...' but I politely smiled and held my tongue. It wasn't really the time or the place... I am sure you can imagine how a response such as that might make one feel a little awkward.

As you may know, maybe because I have mentioned it about a million times... grieving is a process. And I am coming to realize that it isn't a process that will ever be completely finished. Especially when it comes to losing a child... there will always be a moment when you find yourself wishing that your little one was right there with you... or a milestone you wish you could see them make. For me I am struck with that knot in my throat when I realize that a child is the same age that Aaden would be... I feel so guilty when I have forgotten how old he would have been and then realize that the crazy little girl jumping into the pool almost shares a birthday with him... he would be jumping into the pool?! In my mind he will forever be the most beautiful, perfect little baby... and it is gut wrenching when I realize what I am missing out on.

This past weekend we celebrated 4th of July... we had the most amazing day and that evening we went out into the country to a county fair type 4th of July celebration (insert 'sparklebration'... hilarious, I know). It was absolutely perfect. Aaron helped Andrew play mini-golf and go on moon bounces and play with glow in the dark necklaces... while Asher smiled, talked, and giggled I thought to myself what a perfect night. But especially on those perfect nights, I miss having my second born son with us. There will always be a hole in our family and that does still make my heart ache...

On Saturday, I had the boys and we were running errands. I had a few orders to ship out so we stopped at the post office. I have formed a great relationship with the postal worker there, as I see her multiple times a week these days. When we first moved here I remember telling her we had two boys, but left it at that... and then she watched me grow while I was pregnant with Asher and she would always make comments about how crazy my life must be... having 3 boys under the age of 3. I would nod and smile... allowing her to believe what I wish were true. So, on Saturday it was the first time I had run in with both Andrew and Asher. It didn't even cross my mind that she would ask where the other brother was... I had to tell her the truth, 'Well, our second son passed away shortly after he was born...' Ah.

The pain that is our story. And God is reminding me that I am to glorify Him no matter the circumstances or the situation. He is deserving. So, in those situations, God gives me strength I did not know I had and reminds me of the joy deep within... He brings a smile to my face. Who else has the power to make a mother smile when she is telling another how her son is no longer with her?

So, the past few days have been hard for whatever reason... but as always God is faithful to provide comfort and peace.

One thing in particular that I am struggling with... on days like yesterday when I just needed to spend a few moments grieving over my son, I had no where to go. If we still lived in Virginia where Aaden's body is buried, yesterday would have been a day when I would have driven to the cemetery. Not because I think he is there, but because I am still his mother and I need a tangible way to feel like his mother. I want to take flowers and sit and read books and have Drew color pictures that I am sure Jesus would show him... and as I weep now it is because as much as I want to do those things I can't.

So, I need some ideas on how to reconcile this. There is nothing of Aaden here that we didn't bring with us... does that make sense? He never visited this place, I have not one memory of him here... And while I wanted so badly to leave those memories behind when we left Virginia, I realize now how much I want those memories... places I could go that would remind me of him and his life...

The truth is I am just hurting a little extra today.

But I am sure that I am not the only one... saying an extra prayer for all those mommies who are aching to hold their little ones...

My eyes flow and do not cease, Without interruption, Till the LORD from heaven Looks down and sees. Lamentations 3:49-50

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3

I Will Carry You.

As a mother I believe that I am the one who is the best, the most capable of caring for my children... including Aaden.

Who could care for him the way I would have? Who will teach him all the things he should know? Who will tell him about his brothers... and that his mommy and daddy love and miss him so...?

Who could possibly love him like I do? ...of course, God can and does love him infinitely more than I do...

I miss him more today than yesterday... and with every milestone Asher makes I miss his big brother even more. I yearn to know what he would look like, how cute his little smile would be... what his giggle would have sounded like.

I hate that I have to talk about my son in the past tense.

. . .

A song that has been on repeat in my mind... written in memory of Audrey Caroline

I Will Carry You {by Selah}

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?
People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One who's chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says

I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One who's chosen Me
To carry you

Still here.

My head and my heart have been in a million places over the past two months since I last posted. I seem to be unable to focus on anything very well... very scattered I would say in regards to my thoughts. And because I am a perfectionist I refuse to write anything unless I know exactly what I am going to say and how I am going to say it.

But here I am today... still unsure of what I want to say but knowing that I want to say something.

So, forgive me if it is slightly random and not so 'put together.'

The purpose of this blog is for me to relay to you what God is teaching me; through His Word, through people, through experiences.... so what is God teaching me you ask.

So very much.

To be honest, I am tired. And I am weak.

God has been revealing things to me about the condition of my heart... and I am now faced with the inevitable choice of allowing Him to change me. And that, my friends, is a hard thing to do. In order for change to occur one has to recognize the need for change.... I am realizing just how inadequate I am.

There are many things that I would love to share, but for today I will share with you the hardest struggle I face.

This is not a new struggle. I can look back over my life and see it playing out over and over again.

I worry.

Worry does not seem like such a huge issue, we all worry right? ...except that worry really comes down to one thing and that is complete distrust in God.

I am learning that I really don't trust God. I am afraid for me to not be in control. I am afraid of what will happen if someone else is making decisions for me.

As a child I feared death (among other things) and would lay in my room at night crying as I would think of these elaborate stories of how I might die, or those around me might die... I fear the unknown... and really I fear what I know as well... I fear that a decision might be made for me... one that may cause severe pain and hurt.

So, I have had to face my greatest fear head on. I faced my son dying. I faced that severe pain and hurt... and now a year and a half later my heart is still aching and I am still afraid... maybe more than ever.

We have a monitor that lays under Asher's mattress. An alarm will go off if the monitor does not detect movement (i.e. breathing) and yet I will still plead with Aaron to check on him when he's sleeping. I mean why would I trust a piece of electronic equipment... I know too much... I know that if God saw it best for Asher to join Him as well, a silly monitor would not stop Him.

Unlike most parents, I do not look forward to nap time or bed time... I don't really enjoy those moments that should bring peace to a mother. For me they are a daily reminder of my pain and often bring gripping fear. A friend recently asked me how the panic attacks were going... and I thought about how to answer that question. "Well, the panic is still there... but I guess I just have more self-control so I can at least refrain from waking Aaron up in the middle of the night, begging him to check on the boys. But that doesn't mean I don't wait or even pray for an opportunity to ask him to do that very thing..."

Case in point, about five minutes ago I had this mental image of Asher laying in his cradle and began to fear he had pulled his blanket over his head or had snuggled too close to the bumper... because of course I would have the child who even at such a young age loves to pull his blanky up by his face and snuggle so close to the bumper....

So, I came to Aaron and said "Baby, will you check on Asher... I'm scared." Of course he did. He always does. But he isn't afraid... because he trusts in a God who knows best, better than we ever could.

You see, I don't have the strength to ever check on Asher myself... the result of me being the one to find Aaden the morning he died.

A special thank you to all my friends who put up with me.... so many of you I have asked "Would you check on Asher for me?" And they never ask why or look at me like I am crazy... they just sweetly go into him and make sure he is ok for me. Just the other day a friend and I were in the car together and I got scared... so without hesitation she unbuckled herself and turned around to check on him.

Really? There is a problem here.

I know in my head that God is in control. I know what the Bible says, that His plans are better than mine, that His ways are not my ways... that all things work together for good for those who love Him... but it still hurts to know that He allowed my little one to be taken from me... and that hurt produces a certain distrust.

But here's the thing. God does not owe me anything... and yet He gives me everything.

As believers we sometimes associate our obedience to suffering... if we are obedient then God owes us and He won't allow bad things to happen to us. We can look at the life of Job to see that that is an inaccurate view of God and the way He works.

We are a sinful, fallen people, and because of that there will be pain, suffering and often... tragedy. But God gives us promise after promise... the storm may come but He is not going anywhere. He is right there by my side... He never left me, in fact, He has been holding me all the time. He knows my tears and He knows my pain.... and He knows yours as well.

My point?

I deserve nothing and He deserves everything... including my trust in Him and in His will for my life.

I know all this to be true but I also know that it will be a long journey to be able to live out that truth....